Love, Peace, Hope

Thank you for the truth…where I found love, peace and hope:

The truth and the pain that it brought was the greatest and most tortuous gift of my life. The pain handed to me that you thought would destroy only shattered parts of me that held me stuck in a cycle I was always meant to break. I couldn’t see it on my own. I needed the truth to find parts of me that were hidden so deep down inside, parts I abandoned that would come to make me whole. I found them again and my body now feels peace, my nerves feel calm, my eyes are wide open, my fire reignited.

Love

Because of the truth, I was forced to have the hard conversation with myself and see how I loved everyone more than myself. I cared for others at the expense of myself. While I was off doing that, I was also allowing the treatment I could not see. I never understood how to truly love and care for yourself without being selfish. And then I was forced to figure it out. Truth broke my fixation on the thought that it was impossible. No one else was going to restore the love I lost consumed by pleasing. I did not even remember what it felt like to give myself a whole weekend to rest without the guilt of responsibility pressing so hard against me.  The pain of the loss left me weak and exhausted to the toll that there was no other option than to relearn this necessity, the solace from rest and recovery. The pain gave me permission to rest in a way that removed shame and canceled the endless list scrolling in my head to please myself, please others and earn love by achieving.

I traded my love for others and allowed space for that love to be reflected inward and light up my darkest places. I searched and found my dark spaces and started loving them anyway. The love I was giving away started filling me up. I now speak of my darkness out loud and find people that hold me close anyway. I am learning people will stay when I thought they had gone. I have found love for myself  and I learned to better accept the love others tried to give me that I so viciously avoided to keep the possibility of pain far away and controlled. We will all fail. The point is not to find ways never to fail. The point is to learn that when we fail, to stay, to mend, to weather the hurt and recover ourselves and offer peace to the other when failures occur. Only in finding grounding deep down in my soul, connection to my creator has brought peace I treasure…forever.

The truth showed me the love I gave others and avoided giving myself. Although it was pain that broke through, the breaking was holy and found the best parts of me, hidden under those dark spots, giving me the courage to find opening. This is the way we grow…the bud finds the weakness and breaks open to bloom.

Peace

I was left with truth that gave me love and hope that make peace. All this time I knew anxiety to be my norm. This pain forced a hard conversation and led me to find the little girl inside that had been calling my name for so long. She used all her might, clawing from the inside to please listen to her, and I finally did. She asked to make friends instead of fighting inside. Once I finally stopped and turned toward her, she reached out, we grabbed hands, embraced and let our messy cries find rest in each other. It all seems like a dream but at the same time so real. I could see a small version of me so scared and so lonely finally realize she was also the woman that is strong and courageous and full of truth and good and knows exactly what she needs for herself and her babes. Love and hope for yourself will fill you with peace built on a foundation strong and secure. And now when I am tested, the floor feels so strong, sturdy and grounded like a person should feel. If only I could share this feeling with others to let them know we are good. The peace built from this journey through the worst that I have known has left me with peace I only dreamed could be real. And I share it all with love and hope so that my story is not only for me but a gift to be given.

Hope

Truth nailed me down and left me for dead, no one else came to save me. And I did not go looking. Finally, I had hit the bottom so hard I struggled to breathe. For the first time I knew it was me, only me that would save me. This time for some reason, maybe for all the love found above, I had hope telling me I could do it, alone. Although in my heart I knew it wouldn’t be forever, I also knew I had to figure out how to overcome the fear I had of being alone. The fear of alone and the labels that come with it kept leading me to things that weren’t right for me…relationships, habits, avoidance, bitterness, despair and depletion. I wanted to find comfort in the thing that made me uncomfortable. And the truth gave me a perfect reason to explore. Lying there, I moved slowly and climbed back up and out carefully. This time I chose my own adventures, listened to my voice and found ways to help my kids start learning to use theirs. I found new hobbies and made more time for rest and fun and creating. I laid in the sun and sat and listened to the rain. I felt the sorrow and listened to her lessons. I felt embarrassed and foolish and let it penetrate so hard I would weep. I got paranoid and kept going. I felt terrible and awful but also saw glimmers. The glimmers grew longer and connected more than the days of full of shit. We laughed and we cuddled, we traveled and struggled. We learned to let it all in…the good and the bad and we found out that we endured, and I led…the three of us. And we were good. So good we’ve never been better. We wrestled with the hard, had the tough talks, found hope…the kind that never dies because I was thrown to the ground but hope never died. In fact, hope is what pulled me up and pushed me forward when I fell back. She called me toward the future that waits full of glimmers that never stop. Hope filled my heart.

Thank you to the one who loved enough to tell the truth. You gave me exactly what I needed to find myself grounded, secure, happy and ready with love, peace and hope.